By Dr Marla Koonin
The pressure on female leaders to balance their feminine characteristics with the associated masculine characteristics in the workplace remains profound. We are often told as female leaders to toughen up and be unemotional in the workplace but then we are expected to be vulnerable, nurturing and maternal within social and home contexts. We are pushed and pulled in multiple directions. We are often reminded at work to tone down the emotional, caring, nurturing and empathetic side of ourselves. However, if you look at what makes a successful leader in the 21st Century and what women leaders bring to the table - there is much synergy. Qualities such as being able to be - democratic, resilient, agile, empathetic, driving change and innovation, cooperative in engagements, empathetic, skilled at the soft skills, good communicators and negotiators, collaborative, supportive, creative thinkers, design thinkers, problem probers are all instrumental 21st Century leadership skills, and closely aligned with researched qualities of female leaders. Hence, I challenge you to not try and bring more masculinity to your workspace but to foster the feminine qualities in each of you that will drive more agile, aligned and engaged managerial leaders and organisations into the future.
Ze Frank produced a video titled: The time you have in Jellybeans (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOksW_NabEk). At the crux of this video, we are asked what would we do with the limited time we have on this earth to do things that are just for ourselves? And if our time is represented by jellybeans, how would we spend our time if we had just one jellybean left? How would we spend our last day? I have no doubt many of us have thought about this but because it is not the reality we face, we continue “to do” rather than “to be”. I would like to challenge each of us to let go of our constant need to be human “doings” and to try and harness ourselves as human “beings”, capable of finding meaning and purpose in multiple aspects of life, so that we find equilibrium to do and be simultaneously.
We live in a culture where achievement and constantly doing things to attain this is the key focal area. We as womenkind are bombarded by messages that we must do everything, and everything well, to be considered highly successful. We are driven as a society to be task focused, and the more we do the more we feel others value us and that that is what contributes to our self-worth and success. This is termed - human “doing”. Taylor (2022) explains that:
“Human Doings only feel good about themselves when they are accomplishing things. To prove themselves, they use some measurable criteria which can range from financial or professional status to seemingly trivial things, such as how many steps they take in a day (fitness trackers are insidious reinforcers of human doingness) or the cleanliness of their households. Human doings are often “list people” who wake up every day with a tally of tasks and they are not satisfied or happy at the end of the day unless they crossed off, every item on the list. Human doings live in a constant state of discomfort that causes them to feel as if they must achieve and be successful or they are worthless people undeserving of love. This relationship between achievement and self-esteem becomes the basis for their own self-love. Having internalised their perceptions of being a human doing from their parents or culture, they come to love themselves only when they achieve success, and experience self-loathing when they are not doing, or they fail at doing.”
However, I want to challenge you to dial down the human “doing” and do more human “being”. To be present, purposeful and passionate. Human “beings” have an innate belief that their self-worth and self-esteem are not wrapped up in their accomplishments and accolades but rather in the things that they value, their attitudes, beliefs, the effort they put into things, the determination, resilience and tenacity that they display to show up every day. Human “beings” place great emphasis on how they treat others and how they treat themselves. Taylor (2022) explains that:
“Human beings believe that their self-worth is defined not by their accomplishments, but rather by their values, attitudes, and beliefs; their determination and effort; and how they treat people (all much kinder and gentler bases for self-evaluation). They are able to resist the tsunami of unhealthy messages from our achievement culture and make deliberate choices based on who they are and what is important to them. Human beings gain satisfaction and validation from being honest, considerate, and responsible, among other things. They also have control over what primarily affirms their self-esteem, so the vicissitudes of achievement (i.e., the inevitable failures that are a natural part of the human condition) don’t have an outsized impact on how they feel about themselves.”
Consider this - “to be” and “to do” are both verbs, the difference is that “to be” denotes a verb that indicates the existence of something or somebody. We equate success with “doing”, but then we have to ask ourselves, why then do we say I want to be successful and not I want to do successful? Perhaps if we reframe how we perceive success we would then understand that success comes from human “being” and not human “doing.”
This begs the question; How does one become more of a human “being” rather than a human “doing”? I have reframed some of Taylor’s (2022) thoughts in this regard:
You need to embrace the humanity within yourself - you must accept that you are not perfect but rather someone who is able to not fear failure. As a leader you need to be someone that creates safe to fail workplaces in which people are able to thrive in a culture of trust, knowledge, personal integrity and a safe to fail learning culture where employees can feel free to express themselves in their work the best way they can, and in doing so, employees could reach their true potential (DaVinci Institute, 2020).
Reframe success – wealth, status, titles and accolades should not be at the centre of success but rather you need to reflect and explore what the meaning of success is to you, not from a linear perspective, but rather a holistic one. Set goals, live your passion, explore creative avenues. Remember that if you truly invest in your efforts success will follow.
Find your Ikigai – “Ikigai is a Japanese concept that alludes to the purpose of why one is motivated to get up each day - in other words what makes life worthwhile. The reason for being answers the crucial question of existence (purpose) for both individuals and organisations. When synergy is found between the individual’s ikigai and the organisation’s ikigai they both find soul. When soul is found, energy is released back into the system, this energy could be referred to as engagement. Engagement is a crucial component of high performance” (DaVinci Institute, 2020).
Find your equilibrium - human “doings” seldom have balance. They live a life of constantly feeling like they are moving between the next burn out. Human “doing” often has hyper focus in one area of your life, and you may very well achieve success in that area, but it does not usually lead to a life of fulfilment and value. By creating equilibrium between the parts of your life, you can find satisfaction and success in multiple areas.
Reduce your to do list - human “doings” are compelled by their need “to do” to gain validation and self-worth. As they check items off their list, they are driven to keep adding to their list to keep receiving confirmation of their value. You must come to realise that not completing the entire list does not render you incompetent but rather freer, balanced and fulfilled.
Be an elastic - human “doings” often have a very structured existence with little flexibility to be agile leaders and humans. We must allow for flexibility and resilience to pivot as needed.
Make time for self-care – self-care is an important component to become more than you are because if we love ourselves and care for ourselves we will have so much more energy to invest in the things that we need to “do” but also the things that hold value.
Part of human “being” is to find and embrace things that add value to your life and empower you as an ever-evolving human being. Consider choosing things for yourself! We tell ourselves we have no time to for example study or do this or that that is important to us and adds value to our lives, but the truth is, it is not about making time but rather making time count. If you only had one jellybean, I bet you would make time count! Shift your mindset to imagine everyday as your last jellybean and find ways to make time count.
I was asked how I balance work, study and family and I pondered on this for much of thirties and didn’t get it right. However, in my 40s, I had a reality altering event that made me realise today could be any of our last days! One bullet killed the love of my life in one second, a one minute phone call changed my and my then 4 year old sons reality forever, and for the last 2 321 280 minutes since then, I have tried to make my time count - “to be” a more holistic human being that does not have a linear focus on one path to success but rather a succession of various things that build the photo album of my life.
So how can we try find equilibrium to do more human “being”? I think it is about making the things you do count so you can be. In the grand scheme of things, time is our most valuable commodity, one that once spent, cannot be reclaimed. Therefore, it's imperative that we make every moment count. Spending hours on end engrossed in tasks doesn't necessarily equate to meaningful productivity. To make the most of my time, I've adopted a structured approach, dividing my day into manageable chunks allocated to specific endeavours. Whether it's work, research, study, family, or self-care, each aspect gets its dedicated time slot. By adhering to this strategy, even if I don't tick off every task on my list, I still accomplish those I've earmarked for attention. You must carve the time out and then stick to being focused on immersing yourself in being present in that moment doing whatever it is. By doing this you can foster harmony and unity within your life whilst still pursuing your goals guilt-free.
Take the time to be more not do more and never forget that no one is born a warrior, warrior women are made through their experiences, challenges, failures, resilience, tenacity and will to keep growing, moving and being.
References:
Da Vinci Institute. 2020. TIPS™ Managerial Leadership Framework. Johannesburg: Da Vinci Institute. Unpublished.
Taylor, J. 2022. Seven ways to change from a human doing to a human being. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/the-power-of-prime/202205/seven-ways-to-change-from-a-human-doing-to-a-human-being (Date of Access: 06 Augst 2024).
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